In the past couple of months I have distanced myself from most friends and even family. Except for the holidays I've kept basically to myself. See a few months back right after Thanksgiving and my Johnny's third birthday! (Yes I have a three year old so crazy.... ! ) Well my cousin passed away. I haven't had someone close to me and at such a young age pass on. I think I took it a lot harder than I ever expected. You see at first I thought I was just super sad because I hated seeing my family hurting. My cousin's birthday was right after Christmas He would have been 30. He was taken from us too young and now I will never get the chance to get to know him as the grownups we've all become. He"s so deeply missed.
I don't know If it was his death that triggered months (it feels like anyway) of deep depression. Or the fact that these were the toughest holidays I had to endure since I was five. No jobs make it hard to afford the good and cheery things in life. The lack of finances have only sparked major drama and fighting between me and my man. I guess once one thing gets ya down it gets increasingly harder to pick yourself back up.
I have neglected all things that make me happy except for my son. I stayed in the game for him. Taking him to playgroup, the library and visiting friends. He's such a good little boy and so smart that it hurt me so bad to realize that how feel affects him. One day I was crying so hard I couldn't top or control myself until Johnny came in the room carrying his guitar. He sat in a chair looked at me and said "I make you happy mommy!" and he started jamming away making up his own music sounds. Wow the mixed emotions that overwhelmed me was insane. (1 I hated what I've become and how i let myself act in front of my son. (2 I hated that he felt like he had to make me happy when I should be making all of his days be filled with joy not my own self pity.
I realized that since I can't afford therapy that I should go back to my roots. So for a little history.....
My first year away at college was when I experienced my first serious bouts of depression. I guess change for me is hard to process. The only way I survived was listen to my headphones and writing in my journal. It's like music has the best way to describe my feelings and angst that floats around in my head. It calms my nerves and helps numb the pain. The tears desist and I start feeling better. Well when I had Johnny and went through my postpartum I never got back into my music and now three years later I'm suffering once again but this time I found the website Pandora. Oh yeah I can listen to all the music I used to when I was a kid plus new stuff but it takes me back to that feeling of "everything always gets better " it has too right??... On;y thing left missing was my journal That is where my blog comes in. I've neglected this blog just like everything else. No more I say. I need a change and I need to smile and be happy. I forget what hat feels like.
Not to mention all this sadness has ultimately affected my relationship with my boyfriend. I need to fix myself and then I can work on us.I miss him!!
I'm not afraid to be myself on here anymore. I can't hold back and I have no other outlet So i'm back in the game and i'm coming on full and strong.